Fucking With Your Demons

Updated: Sep 11, 2020

So what the fuck does it mean to "fuck with your demons?"


It means messing with the voices that have messed with you for years.


Trippy, right?


Do you have that horrible, negative, and even abusive voice that tears you down, and then you feel like absolute dog crap?


Yeah. Me too.


For years, mine screamed at me "you're fucking ugly and fat and scarred and unlovable, bitch."


Whoa.

That's a mean ass little fucker.


How did this demon-like entity get in my head, make its home in there, and begin terrorizing me all day, everyday?


It is like a latching menace, grabbing onto me, claws gouging in my brain, attacking me until I almost die, but leaving a morsel of me just enough to keep me alive, because if I die, it dies.


Some call this the ego.


I think "the demon" may be connected to the ego, but I think it is still a separate, more malevolent being whose mission is to leach off of its host's insecurities. The weaker it makes you, the more well-fed and stronger it becomes.


Before we defy the demon, we need to find the demon. It starts with observing those first few negative and painful thoughts.


For example:


Your boss wants to see you in her office, that means you're in trouble, you're a failure at your job, you're a failure in life, you're worthless."


You have wrinkles and grey hairs, you are old and ugly, no one will love you, you are unlovable.


Your date stood up, you aren't worth it.


These are examples of the initial thought, then the thought behind, then the thought behind that thought and so forth. These thoughts lead to one final core problematic message, "you are unworthy or unlovable." Because this string of thoughts leads to such a pain, it causes anxiety disorders, depression, and everyday stress. It kills your self-esteem and destroys your motivation to go on with your day with any confidence at all. When you act in a manner that feeds this demon, the demon gets stronger, and then it funnels even worse thoughts into your mind. It can get so bad that you just don't want to live anymore.


Why do we even have these demons?

I am still not sure. Through my experience with my demons, I had to figure out a way to bring their volume down, and after 10 thousand tries, I saw results ... then I was able to get the volume down to an occasional snide remark. Miraculously, I noticed a positive voice begin to speak to me: a kind sister/mother/friend-type voice that loved me unconditionally, a voice that was my cheerleader all day, and showed me ways to grow as a person, and become free from the negative voice.


And now I arrive here, writing to you, sharing my journey, to maybe help you on yours in some way. I am still healing from the trauma that years of being bullied and haunted by these demons has caused me...


... But I did make it out ... with some emotional and physical scars (from picking my face) ...


Yeah, I made it the fuck out.


So, what did I do to defy my demons?


I started noticing them.


I observed what was actually happening in my head ... which was terrifying. For example, my anxiety demon would tell me to pop my pimples, "because they are gross and you look gross, and you need to pop them so the bumps go away and you aren't flawed anymore ... because flawed is bad. You don't want to be bad do you? You want to be perfect and acceptable, so people love you."


Damn that's harsh.


This is a real occurrence on the daily, people. It got so bad (because I really believed the demons) that I had to go somewhere safe to get away from them ... like outpatient psychiatric treatment.


And then I happened to read Eckhart Tolle's "The Power Of Now," and his whole message was to notice and become separate from your thoughts, watch them with curiosity, and most importantly, know that you are not your thoughts.


I remember the moment that this message truly set in ... I was in the bathroom (so many spiritual revelations happen in there) and I watched my thoughts.


I realized that I am not my thoughts.


What a Crispy Revelation!


But I struggled for years after that ...


... although it only got better over time. There is something about turning 30 that makes you more comfortable in your skin ... and I was working on not picking at mine. But, when you are stressed because you have bipolar, you break out. I couldn't stand the swollen, painful red mounds, that were a good half inch in size, I couldn't stand myself. I needed to resolve them and bring the bumps down. But when I did, it almost always made things worse. The mark was even redder and it left a scar. I just couldn't let it heal. All this anxiety around my acne was a projection of a faulty core believe that if I have acne on my face, I am unlovable. If I fix the acne, I fix myself, then I will be lovable.


And then my Spiritual Transformation began, it was induced by going off of my meds 2 years ago. I would have 2 weeks of depression and then two weeks of surging happiness. My doctor attributed this to Effexor, which is a very potent drug and can cause the bipolar brain to cycle up and down. It's a horrible ride at the amusement park of hell that just keeps going, let me tell you. But something else was going on, something inexplicable, terrifying, but also kind of magical, like I was living out this beautiful plan for me, and that this was all for a reason.


And through these two contrasting states of mind, pain and bliss, I felt as though I gained some perspective. I became more motivated to get rid of this anxiety. Life seriously is too short, and I felt ready to face my demons eye to eye. The depressions were so bad that I looked everywhere for ways to prevent another episode. I looked inside my mind, at the demons and outside at my life and behavior. Maybe my beliefs and behavior, shaped by these demons, were playing a part in my depression and anxiety. Maybe if I finally understood them and made some changes, if I defy the demons, not act according to their commands, then maybe I could ease some of the suffering.


So Avery, tell us already, what did you do to defy your demons?!


- I let paintings be crooked

- I wore a stained shirt all day

- I stepped back from the mirror and didn't pick my acne

- I was easy on myself when I messed up

- I put sticky notes all over my bedroom and bathroom (where I tend to be triggered) with all messages of self-love, or the opposite of what the demons would say to me, which is to hate myself

- I let my nails be chipped, I let my grey hairs grow out, I stopped doing body scans for bumps and fat

- I covered up mirrors

- I beautified my spaces, which reminded me of my value and beauty

- I spun negative thoughts, like if I saw a wrinkle on my forehead, instead of entertaining the demon's thought "you're old and unlovable," I spun it and said, "You're distinguished. Society made these standards up that grey hairs are bad. You don't have to live by these standards anymore. You're gorgeous!"

- In general, I let things be unfinished, I didn't try to take everything on at once like I used to, "It's okay to not do the dishes right now. Go relax."

- When I was very depressed, the good voice became even louder than the demons and still kept guiding me and showing me ways to defy the demons



As I kept putting up a middle finger to the demons, I surprisingly gained space from them, and I experienced more and more freedom. It was nothing short of a miracle. But this healing process was not linear, nothing is. It is spiraling around, back and forth, up and down, side to side, and more.


So, try an experiment ...

Watch your demons (negative thoughts) with curiosity:

Write them down and trace the thoughts to the underlying faulty, untrue core belief that no longer serves you.


Understand the demons:

Explore the idea that the demons are just an echoing voice of some past trauma or societal conditioning. These demons are perhaps part ego, simply trying to protect you from being unworthy. But tell your demons that there is nothing to fear, that you are okay and you don't need the demons to tell you what to do anymore. Love is always the answer. Throw love on everything.

Defy the fuckers

The idea is to do one little thing, the opposite of what the negative voices say, and watch them squirm in frustration, then experience some amusement of it all. It's very entertaining and satisfying. These demons definitely have an Achilles Heel, and it is simply to not do what they say. Don't let the fear run your life. Live in self-love, believe that you are worthy, and that things are going to work out for you.


So, good luck in your journey to defy the demons. You can totally do it. Take on just one at a time and the results will start happening, these results will fuel further healing in other areas of your life too!


I can't wait to hear how it went for you.


Stay Crispy ... and fuck the demons,

Avery

*Make sure to tune into The Crispy Soul Podcast, where we go more into depth on this topic, available on all major streaming apps.

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