Everything is heavy, grey, pressing down, low energy, no motivation, no desires, pleasures, brain fog, bad circulation because I haven't been running due to this depression ... I'm fucking sick of it. Does anyone else have The Cloud? I don't even think it should be called The Cloud because clouds are cute and friendly. I even like cloudy days because it takes the pressure off to do something active outside, like those happy people, when I feel like staying in my bed. But the word "cloud", yes, a mopey blue-grey cloud still comes to mind. The kind of cloud that lies low on the horizon, the one that makes you feel heavy just looking at it. It is full of moisture, ready to drop some rain, like you are ready to finally cry after trying to hold it together for too long. The numbness and staleness of this state is so blah and meh and smeh, you can't take it another minute. You're too tired to do anything about it, whether it's going for a run or killing yourself.
And time is a bizarre thing when you're in this state, when you're at work, it goes so slow. When you can finally get to your bed as soon as you get home, it goes too fast, until you have to go to bed with this horrid sense of dread because you will have to start the next day over again. Then, the weekend sucks too, because you feel no pleasure, have no energy to think ahead and plan Crispy Activities with your friends, so you're alone.
I paint this wonderful picture because I am not this perfect, Crispy person. Crispy isn't perfect, it's loving who you are, your essence, and going on your own life journey, the good and the bad, to hopefully experience your Great Transformation. My journey includes depressions. For some reason I don't understand. Why did Spirit (my spiritual guide) give this burden to me? I know for a fact that I have a lot of wisdom and talent to share with the world, to help people, but I am debilitated by this goddamn depression. I can't take another step forward until I figure this shit out.
Why has this fucking Cloud been following me around all my life?
After trying Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Dialectical Behavior Therapy, several types of counseling, medication, eating organic foods, taking vitamins, exercising, reading self-help books, going through transformative relationships, and even trying magic mushrooms (was useful but not a cure), I STILL cannot shake this thing.
I remember when the fucker started looming during the summers of my high school years. I worked a landscape job and I remember I would feel so lonely and useless, lots of negative thoughts, and I would be so unmotivated that I would sleep for 2 hours in the middle of the day. God, what was I thinking?
I wasn't, it was the depression.
One day during my senior year, my brother tried to end his life. He was a sophomore at The University Of Minnesota. My dad told me this in the old Astro van as he was dropping me off for school. "He left you a very nice note. He is in the psych unit at the hospital now."
"Ummm wow, okay ... Dad ... ummm ... what?"
And that's when the numbness came in and The Cloud settled in over my body. I went on a field trip to the Minneapolis Institute Of Art and I remember feeling nothing at all, I got no pleasure from hanging out with my friends, no motivation to participate in activities, and my demeanor flat lined, I couldn't even fake a smile. This took me back so much that I didn't even know what was going on, and my friends told me later that I was distant and they didn't know how to react. It was God-awful.
How to describe The Cloud to those fortunate enough to find this story peculiar instead of relatable (I'm glad you're enjoying the article though) ...
To best paint you a picture, my cousin told me about his experience with getting the Corona Virus, he lost his sense of taste and smell. He said he had no hunger, food was not pleasurable to him at all, and therefore, he lost a lot of weight. The Cloud is like this experience in that you get no pleasure at all from life. In fact, life somehow causes you pain, you grieve the loss of your ability to feel pleasure, and so your life turn to shit. You feel as though you will never get it back again.
Can you see the metaphor? You're very smart.
People will be like, "Just exercise, sleep, eat right, and see your friends!" This is tone-def and annoying advice which is like me telling you, "You aren't hungry? You can't smell the pancakes that I am making you? Just regrow your taste buds and get a new nose!"
Obvi. You think I didn't try that?!
Why haven't we found a cure for depression, guys?! We have at least, a rudimentary cure for cancer. I know, we're talking about the brain, it's a very complicated organ, but this should be TOP priority, people! Pharma medication can be a life saver for sure, I take a mood stabilizer and an anti-depressant, and it keeps me from scraping the bottom, but this Cloud is like purgatory compared to hell, still HORRIBLE. I have a diagnosis of bipolar 2, but I really don't struggle with the hypomania. Sometimes, I can't fall asleep because I finally feel happy after weeks of feeling down and I actually feel excited for the next day. But mostly, I just go between happy normal energy to The Cloud Depression. Without medication, it actually gets worse. So much worse.
But today, at least I worked a little and I can write. This Cloud has really made me re-route from walking this linear path to my dreams, to trudging through this muddy, uphill, and winding dog-shit excuse for a path, full of delays and scary things, meanwhile pulling all of my mental baggage on top and behind me ... but hopefully I am still on my way to my dreams, just at a shit-ton slower pace, OMG!
I want to wrap this up with something hopeful. I want to tell you that this will pass.
It will ...
Until the next shit show comes.
The Cloud enjoys gliding in and drawing shadows over your clear and crispy "one-day-this-month-I-get-to-be-happy-day." It's like it knows when you want to go outside for a walk, and then it starts storming on you. I like storms too, and sun isn't necessarily better to me. But for today, I will indulge in cliche metaphors. The Cloud weighs you down, sucks your energy, and turns you into an Eeyore (from Winnie The Pooh, anyone?). Your essence just fades away, your vitality dissipates into the ether. You become a shell of your happy self, for which you cannot remember the last time you actually were happy.
Okay, back to hope.
I do believe there could possibly be a plan, a reason for all of this. I don't think this is just a random and meaningless thing happening to you. I have come to this conclusion because this narrative helps me keep going through these episodes, and also because I have seen real miracles happen after each one. Every time, it was like being reborn, everything was fresh and new, I felt my own beaming essence, I had energy, I felt completely connected to others and nature, and I felt in flow with a greater Divine presence. I felt like Eckhart Tolle, man! And I don't think this is mental illness, like mania, I think this is normal happiness or I have a gift that allows me to travel to higher emotional plains. I just take it all in through my senses. And especially when I have not experienced it in so long, it feels like pure bliss, where I am happier than most people who have been happy for years. My brain is truly a contradicting paradox and double-edged sword.
Back to hope.
After seeing some patterns, I have come to believe that my path involves traveling through these realms of mental anguish, like turbulence (and violent storms) so I can tell people about my experience, and hopefully help others with their life journey and experience with The Cloud, you know, like a trip-a-log. But seriously, I think I am supposed to be like an emotional modern-day bipolar Shaman of some sort, and if you are reading this and can relate to The Cloud, maybe you are supposed to be a healer too.
Even if you are experiencing depression, I am telling you that you have a purpose. Turn over every rock to try and understand the depression, search for the happiness that awaits you, or maybe just accept everything as it is for now. Follow this one moment and let it lead you to the next step in your healing journey. I'll keep you posted on mine. Write below where you're at in your journey with The Cloud.
You know what I always say, if I could find a little bit of peace and happiness so far, after years of shit, then you absolutely can too.
Keep It Crispy On The Cloud ,
*Make sure to tune into The Crispy Soul Podcast, where we go more into depth on this topic, available on all major streaming apps.