I was sitting here on my bed, after a good two weeks of stability, working on my projects, smiling, making videos, and feeling well ...
... and then today happened.
At first, it started great, an all-team meeting, I was nervous and excited, but it went well. And somewhere along the way my brain started tripping ... in a good way. Like I was microdosing on 'shrooms (because I don't know what that's like :) ). I was in a flow and listening to my wonderful teammates share their amazing visions and creative ideas for CSP. I made it to the end of the meeting. Great job, Avery. You showed up. Great! Ok bye, everyone.
... And then the flip. The concave. The bevel. No longer leaning outward and upward, I'm now bending under the weight of my day, of two businesses, of all the people, on the brink of another collapse, on the verge ... getting ready to pick up the pieces from the past, confident Avery, setting up everything, arranging for this happy life, a self-deluded Avery.
Fuck. Double fuck.
Okay, not that bad yet, you drank a lot of coffee, it made your brain break a little. You have just a little bipolar sprinkled in there. Girl, it happens sometimes. Your brain can recover, though.
Okay, just two more meetings. Just smile and pretend that you are confident. Pretend that you aren't on the brink of an anxiety attack. Pretend that you don't have brain fog and a complete lack of self-confidence in the very core of what you convinced them to sign up for.
Oh God, I don't feel right.
There's hot, fuzzy, humid, pulsating fog spreading throughout my brain, pushing against my skull and eyeballs. Then, spreading down my face, gaining momentum, and shooting through my arms ...
... and BOOM!
... small explosions across the board, the system is shutting down, circuits are sparking, the "check engine" light is on, the computer is on overload, everything is overheating. There is no cooling it down.
A shot of five pills of Zyprexa is the only coolant that I have to potentially prevent a full-on fire. Waiting for it to do anything is horrible. One pill is what they give to people in the hospital.
And I took freaking five.
It's the next day ...
... and I am a little better, but I am still enduring it all. The responsibilities of running two organizations takes a colossal challenge effort ... but today is a little better. Which means tomorrow will be even better than today. I will cross over into "the Happy Realm". This time around was only three days long, but it was the longest three days ever. My world closed in on me, I endured the weight of the anxiety and depression for three days straight, a sort of concave darkness. I've done it for months on end before, I almost always bend and I almost break...
... And then, I snap back up and outward and lift my life up above my head and continue on the journey.